If you’re reading this article, you might be some sort of biology enthusiast, or perhaps you’re writing a thesis on bizarre mating rituals found throughout nature, and want to cite this random ass Tumblr post. Hell, maybe you’re just some sex pervert who’s super into beastiality in which case kudos for exploring your own sexuality…you fucking weirdo.
5. The Honey Bee – Monogamous Lover
I know what you’re thinking – Honey Bees aren’t monogamous, they’re probably straight pimps that smell amazing because of all that honey they roll around in. They must be drowning in the bee vaj.
Well listen here Stonewall Jackson, have you forgotten everything they told you in school? There’s can only bee (<– hilarious pun) one Queen – a.k.a. there can only bee one honey for everyone to sleep with – and she’s gotta fight off all the other bad bitches to show her dominance.
It’s a little less classier than this is.
When everyone in the hive knows who’s the Queen, she throws a party and everyone brings her royal honey so that she can become horny and fertile.
But when I throw a party with a full blown erection and demand people bathe me in honey, all of the sudden I’m a ‘sex offender’.
After the Queen is ready to get it on to the latest Marvin Gay album, a bunch of male bees show up at her place and try to bone her. Whenever one succeeds, his balls explode and his dick shoots into her vagina – blocking all other males from trying to get it in. It’s the ultimate cock block, and is an amazing spectacle to how class Honey Bees are. Nothing says “I love you” like having your balls explode into your lover and then dying a slow and painful death while she is forced to raise the children herself and as a result they don’t have a real father figure – just a bunch of horny bees that keep trying to sleep with their mom.
They do it just like people – in the middle of the air and one looks like it’s trying to get away.
4. Red Sided Garter Snake – The Sex Freak
We all have that one friend that loves to be an active participant in a mass orgy that involves hundreds of snakes. And by “we all have that one friend”, I meant “Hey guys, I’m that one friend.”
As it turns out, the female Red Sided Garter Snake shares my compassion towards scaled, cold blooded, reptiles. When the red sided garter snake wakes up from hibernating, she releases a shit ton of pheromones that say “Hey men, I’m horny and stuff. Let’s go do whatever it is that we snakes do.” As a result, hundreds of snakes pile on top of the female.
It’s one of the scariest looking things on the face of the Earth, besides that one time we all saw Amanda Bynes running at the gym.
If it makes you feel any more uncomfortable, the male garter snakes have two dicks, and they all try to fight to get at least one of their genitals into the females ONE mating hole. Yeah,I just called it a mating hole – just goes to show you how fucking scientific I can be.
Oh, and in case the semi-homosexual snake gang bang wasn’t enough – sometimes ‘she-male’ snakes release the same endorphin as the horny females – and hundreds of males flock over trying to mate with a female, that isn’t actually there. They do it to get attention, and you must be pretty desperate for attention if you’re willing to get raped by horny snakes.
3. Manakin – Mr Smooth
Do you ever feel like your dance moves are lacking in the sexuality department? There’s nothing wrong with breaking out the the ol’ hip movements, but just know that dance move hasn’t gotten anyone laid.
It’s time from you to take note from the Manakin – perhaps the flyest bird to ever hit the dance floor. Seriously, this bird puts those lame ass penguins from Happy Feet to shame.
LOOK AT HIM GO AND TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. I DARE YOU.
2. Anglerfish – The Stage 5 Clinger
Do you know those people that you look at and think to yourself, ‘Wow, what a freeloading, self obsessed, son of a bitch’. I get that feeling everytime I look in the mirror and see my beautiful eyes staring back at me. The Anglerfish is sort of the same way – but I mean he has to freeload, he’s one of the ugliest creations ever conceived. Even Tim Burton couldn’t come up with a drawing this fucked up.
Despite looking like it needs dental headgear, the Anglerfish is a freeloading fish when it goes through puberty. Basically, whenever it is ready to start mating – it’s digestive system shuts down and it’s unable to support itself. Thus, it clings to the side of a female Anglerfish and sucks food out of her stomach as she tries to eat it. Slowly, over time, they’re organs get fused together in perhaps one of the creepiest mental images ever made.
No big deal, right ? Except the fact that the Anglerfish, or rather the Anger-fish (because he looks so angry, am I right? Another hilarious pun) rapes the female when she becomes fertile. Yeah, basically, whenever she has an egg that’s ready to get fertilized he just jumps the gun and goes right in.
Imagine if a guy asked you out on a date – he didn’t buy anything at the restaurant, pumped the food out of your stomach into his, and then at the end of the night – BOOM – surprise buttsex and you get pregnant and you die.
That’s how babies are made, right?
Check out the hilarious comic explaining the whole thing
1. Giraffes – The Fetish
Giraffes are tall, so I mean…that’s pretty cool. And they’ve got some spots on them…so that’s pretty cool too. I mean, who doesn’t love a giraffe? Just look at them.
I’m only telling you these things because you will never look at Melman from Madagascar the same way ever again.
You see, having sex for giraffes is a lot of work – and they don’t want all their energy to be used and then not get a kid out of that. I mean, who wants to have sex simply for the pleasure of it, and not having to worry about raising a kid nine months later? That’s no fun at all.
In order for a male giraffe to tell if a female is ready for his D, he pokes her hip and it makes her pee onto the ground. And then…he tastes the pee…to tell if she’s fertile. It probably looks like this