Monthly Archives: September 2013

Guy Loses Bet and has to drink his friends backwash!

Check out this hilarious video of our new competition series, Chris vs Chris – subscribe for hilarious videos like this one every week!

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September 17, 2013 · 2:34 AM

Pastor Admits to Raping Underage Church Boys will NOT Serve Jail Time

We won’t make any pedophile jokes here – except that a pastor who has openly admitted to raping little boys has ‘gotten off’ (laugh goddamnit) and will not serve a jail sentence. The pastor claimed that he was raping them to remove ‘homosexual urges’ from their bodies and that when they would ejaculate, they would be releasing homosexual demons from their body.

Initially, Brent Girouex was supposed to serve 17 years in prison, however that sentence was changed to him just attending a sex offender seminar. He is the father of four children, but of course, the mother of those children is trying to deny him the right to see his children. After all, he raped over 30 underage boys and told them that their semen was demons. They will never feel comfortable ejaculating ever again.

I’m just going to end this by saying that of course engaging in homosexual activities will relieve your homosexual desires – in the same fucking way that eating a pound of bacon strips makes you not hungry. You’re not fighting demons – you’re just feeding your craving, which inevitably will come back. It’s not like you are going to eat food once, and you will never be hungry ever again.

People are idiots.

Like that one guy who thinks he scientifically proved homosexuality is immoral because he sat in a room playing with magnets. 

Hawaii Woman Upset her name won’t Fit on Driver’s License

Driver’s Licenses are designed to be small enough to be convenient to carry around in your pocket and/or handbag. Since they are small, they have a limitation as to how many letters they can fit on them because of the font style. The font needs to be consistent with all other driver’s licenses from that region otherwise it would be nearly impossible to spot a fake I.D. 

Well, for one Hawaiian woman she is furious that government officials have asked her to cut down her last name – and her license doesn’t even include her first or middle names. The woman with the incredibly long name refused to shorten it, as she believed it was disrespectful to her Hawaiian ancestry, and she isn’t going to change her name in honor of her dead husband. Let’s be serious here, no one is going to call this woman by her name, ever. I mean, Janice Lokelani Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele is a mouthful. I don’t even make an attempt to read that name – I look at the first letter and skip the rest. 

Man Arrseted for Domestic Violence TWICE after Threesome

Police received a call at 8AM after Terry Antone had become frustrated during a threesome with her girlfriend and  her cousin, because they kept excluding him from their sexual activities. Instead, they were just having an incest party.

Terry Antone, not thanking God for the opportunity to be apart of a threesome, became frustrated that he was being excluded – and he eventually started punching and dragging his girlfriend and her cousin. Basically, the threesome went south, Antone spent 12 hours in prison, and then was arrested almost immediately after being released because he went back to his house and started pounding on his girlfriend yet again. He went from having beautiful morning sex to getting railed in prison twice in 12 hours. What a day.

Hot Dog Vendor for Anti-Ketchup Opinion

There used to be a Hot Dog Vendor in Comerica Park that was famous for his constant singing and now, he’s famous for an entirely different reason. As it turns out, the Hot Dog Vendor was recently fired and it wasn’t over his obnoxious singing.

In fact, the vendor was fired for expressing anti-ketchup views. He would only put mustard on a hot dog (eww) and become frustrated and angry when fans would ask for ketchup. What type of Hot Dog Vendor doesn’t like ketchup?

What type of human being doesn’t like ketchup?

And who the hell even likes mustard anyway?

 

 

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September 13, 2013 · 7:59 PM

5 Quick News Stories: Barbies, New IPhone, Holocaust Pageants, and a whole lot of Irony!

The Man with the most extensive barbie collection in the world (6,000) can’t get a date!

No shit. He claims that it’s because women feel inferior and are constantly comparing themselves to the thousands of children’s toys that he has around his house, but in reality, it’s probably because he lives in a goddamn pedophile warehouse.

 

First Customers Already in Line for New IPhone Apple hasn’t Released! 

Let us all facepalm in unison. I get why people might want to wait outside, in a crowded, dirty street, sitting in lawn furniture waiting for a new apple product that will surely be underwhelming. Just think of the experience! Instead of spending that week travelling the world – they are sitting in the middle of New York City doing absolutely nothing! Just wait until they get to tell their kids about how cool they used to be. 

 

94 year old woman wins second annual Holocaust Survivor Pageant!

Is this really a thing? The sponsors of the show say that the pageant is focused on inner beauty, but then again, that’s what the judges of Miss Universe say and we know those girls don’t have a whole lot of “inner beauty.” Oh, and just for the sake of saying it – doesn’t anyone else think that crowning one ‘winner’ in a group of holocaust survivors is basically telling the other survivors, ‘hey – you didn’t suffer enough to be recognized for this award. Sorry.’ What’s next – the Cancer Survival Awards?

 

Robber Tells Clerk ‘Don’t call the cops – I’ll pay you back bro’

Yeah, trust the guy that’s pointing a gun to your head that he’s going to pay you back the money that he just stole from you. Something tells me that because he had to resort to robbing a convenience store that his financial situation isn’t the best right now. Just think of this robbery as a ‘loan’ and he’ll pay you the money he owes you in 3-5 years with a 5% annual interest rate. 

 

4 Wounded in shooting at NC anti-violence rally

The irony is going to put me in an early grave. 

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Walmart Employees on Strike?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a sad day for America. The news and major media corporations have been so focused on what’s happening in Syria [yeah, like that really matters] and people haven’t been paying attention to what’s been happening in their own country! I tried to go to Walmart earlier today, and to my surprise, I saw the workers protesting!

 

What? This isn’t the 1920’s – you can’t just suddenly start asking for the same basic human rights that hundreds of millions of workers have around the world. You work at Walmart, anyone can do your job – it’s easy. You stand around all day contributing little to nothing to society. In fact, you should be thankful that Walmart is even paying you minimum wage – you don’t deserve it.

 

I don’t care what your sappy back story is, or how many wrong decisions you made in your life to start working at Walmart – but face the facts, you are not a hard working American. Why can’t you strive to be a self made man like George W. Bush? Sure, he was the son of the President for a while, but that didn’t stop him from one day becoming President. He worked hard, every single day of his life, and had nothing handed to him – unlike you lazy Walmart employees.

 

If you’re a woman and you need someone to look up to, think of Kim Kardashian. Sure, she whore’d herself out all over the internet in order to make her seem relevant in pop culture, even though she’s genuinely untalented and the only reason anyone knows who she is, is because she is the daughter of an incredibly wealthy man. But hey, she worked hard every day of her life in order to put out that sex tape that would launch her hit reality TV series. Is it a good reality TV show? Of course not! But people watch it, and everyone is always talking about her so she must be successful.

 

Minimum wage is set at a rate that matches the cost of living, even though the cost of living is currently on the rise and minimum wage remains relatively constant. You don’t need to be able to pay your mortgage bills, or  provide fancy food for your children. You’re children can eat fast food, it’s cheap – they don’t need that gourmet shit that grocery stores are selling. If McDonald’s was incredibly unhealthy for you, why would the government allow them to provide no health warnings on any of their food and constantly allow them to use professional athletes to market their food to children? The government wouldn’t do that – especially for any incredibly large sum of money.


Look Walmart employees, I’m not asking that you suck me off in the bathroom when I go into your store – but I want you to treat me better than you, because I am, and your company knows it. Your company treats you like shit for a reason – because they can get away with it.

 

Oh, you’re on strike so that your employer doesn’t get away with purposely opening and closing stores across the country and firing entire staffs because they want to make a union – something that almost every job profession has, even prostitutes?

 

The reason 21 Walmart employees were arrested is because protesting peacefully outside of your workplace is no way to behave – even though it is literally one of your Human Rights. Google it, bitch.

 

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How to make bad decisions

How to Make Bad Decisions

I was reading a news article today about a man who experienced a rather unfortunate event. He somehow managed to get a 4 inch fork stuck inside of his penis. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes it would be incredibly painful. Just look at the goddamn x-ray and try not to cringe

man fork urethra

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